An Asymmetric Game

While not writing for extended periods of time is relatively normal around these parts, I do have a fair number of things to put up: more recipes, thoughts on a couple books, etc. Just haven’t felt up to it, and that’s a problem. Sometimes it’s just easier to ignore everything.

I think almost constantly about leaving grad school; so much that I’m almost sure it’s the right move. If I had a good exit strategy (working on it!) and didn’t have to deal with people I care about there would be no question.

I have lots of reasons (which I’m sure will be enumerated in a later post) but they just support one idea: I am miserable here and I don’t see it getting better. It might, but I think the chance is small; the more likely outcome is that I’ll just get more and more bitter. Might as well get out before the costs get too high. I know I’m depressed–I have enough experience dealing with it to see the signs–and I know that school is the cause. I’m done with thinking that it’s just something I need to get over and that if I could only work a little harder, think a little deeper, and ignore distractions I’ll succeed. And while I might, it’s not worth it.

This is what nobody ever told me about graduate school: it has an insanely high opportunity cost if you care about anything outside your field.

As much as I may have disliked my previous job, at least it didn’t give me nausea when I thought about it. The idea of finishing the semester pains me (literally, sometimes); having to do this for another four years (at least!) is unfathomable. I would rather move back to my hometown–and I think everyone here knows how much I hate that place–and get a job there than spend another year here.

I think it’s time to start talking to people. I’ve had some long conversations with a girl in my cohort, but she’s the only one that knows the extent of it. I think most of the other student here I’m closest with know that I’m unhappy, but maybe not the extent. My sister knows. I’ve insinuated it with a few friends. This week, though, I need to talk with a professor about it and with my parents. I am not looking forward to it: they’ll try and talk me into staying, and I’ll think they are making reasonable points and it’ll just delay leaving longer. There’s very few things anyone can say to make things truly better. (And that should be sign I need to leave: that I’m willing to actually go through with these conversations.)

Luckily, since they’re paying me to be here, I don’t have loans to worry about. I have enough saved up (especially if I can hit the savings hard over the next two months) that I’m not tied down. Of course, I don’t want to touch the savings, but if I have to, I have to.

I don’t know. I have many many more thoughts which, given my wordiness and rambling, I’ll come back to. But this has been good: even just thinking about leaving makes me feel better. Hence, writing this.

From Veganomicon.

Made this as the dip for my seitan cutlet/mustard sauce sandwich. I didn’t have any five-spice powder, so I used a ‘fiery’ chili powder instead. I also upped the spice, cause that’s how I am.

In saucepan, combine 2 1/2 cup broth from seitan cutlets (water/soy sauce mixture), 4 cloves crushed garlic, sliced 1-inch piece of ginger (I used more), 1/2 tsp five-spice powder, and 1 tsp red pepper flakes. Boil for five minutes, then simmer for 10. Turn off heat, and stir in 1 1/2 tsp sugar and 2 tbsp lime juice.

Good broth, but too labor intensive for me to make a lot. I might make another batch and freeze it for quick use, but probably not because I’m lazy.

(Complete List) 

From Veganomicon.

Among the common condiments, mustard truly is the best. The intro to this recipe claims it’s for mustard lovers only, so I had to make it.

Mix 2 tbsp cornstarch (I used arrowroot) and 1/4 cup vegetable broth and set aside. Over medium heat, saute 3 garlic clovers and 1/2 tsp thyme for about a minute. Add 1/2 cooking wine (white or sherry) and 1 tbsp soy sauce and up the heat. When it’s boiling, lower heat and simmer for a few minutes. Add 1/4 cup dijon mustard, 1 tbsp lemon juice, 2 tbsp capers with brine, and cornstarch mixture. Stir often. When it’s bubbling, lower heat and simmer for a few more minutes. Should be pretty thick.

I used this with the seitan cutlets in a french dip-style dinner. I really like this sauce–the capers and wine give it a great kick. I made it again as a dipping sauce for artichokes. I didn’t have lemon juice, so I substituted some Gordon’s Vodka–couldn’t tell the difference. Sauce was good, but overpowered the artichoke.

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From Veganomicon.

I should have known better: I’ve made enough seitan that I have a handle on the right texture. For some reason, the recipe says to knead the dough for 3 minutes. So I did. Mistake. Seitan shouldn’t be kneaded more than necessary. The extra kneading made it impossible to stretch it thin enough. Still tasted good, but had a pretty tough texture. I need to try it again, but have yet to be that adventurous.

Pretty basic seitan. Not really aynthing special.

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From Veganomicon.

I’m not going to type out the ingredients, because you should go buy the book. This bread is really good and I’ve made it twice now. It’s pretty dense, but has a nice flavor from the currants and soy milk (I use vanilla-flavored). Nothing too difficult here, though it does take a while to make it since you have to pre-cook the millet.

Bread also lasts longer than most breads. It’s good enough that it’s usually gone in two days anyway.

(Complete list)

I bought some amaranth at the co-op with no particular use in mind. I searched the internets for a recipe but, wouldn’t you know it, not a whole lot of people cook with amaranth. I was looking mostly for a recipe that was simple, where I could find out what Amaranth tastes like without it competing too much with other flavors. Sure, I could have just cooked it up like any other grain, but where’s the fun in that?

So I found this recipe. Truth be told, I’ve never had “real” grits—where I’m at now is the furthest south I’ve ever lived, and I’m sure we’re still considered Yankees here. So, I didn’t know what I was going for, texture-wise. And this may have been the problem, as I’m pretty sure I drastically overcooked the grains. It really wasn’t good, but I ate it all with some help from salt and hot sauce.

I’ve tried cooking amaranth again, this time with some millet. I made it for breakfast: a hot cereal type thing. I added some butter and brown sugar—just like we did when we were kids—and it was pretty yummy. So there’s that. (1/3 cup each millet and amaranth; dry toast for a minute or two, add 1 1/3 cup water, lower heat and cover for 15-20 minutes.)