While not writing for extended periods of time is relatively normal around these parts, I do have a fair number of things to put up: more recipes, thoughts on a couple books, etc. Just haven’t felt up to it, and that’s a problem. Sometimes it’s just easier to ignore everything.
I think almost constantly about leaving grad school; so much that I’m almost sure it’s the right move. If I had a good exit strategy (working on it!) and didn’t have to deal with people I care about there would be no question.
I have lots of reasons (which I’m sure will be enumerated in a later post) but they just support one idea: I am miserable here and I don’t see it getting better. It might, but I think the chance is small; the more likely outcome is that I’ll just get more and more bitter. Might as well get out before the costs get too high. I know I’m depressed–I have enough experience dealing with it to see the signs–and I know that school is the cause. I’m done with thinking that it’s just something I need to get over and that if I could only work a little harder, think a little deeper, and ignore distractions I’ll succeed. And while I might, it’s not worth it.
This is what nobody ever told me about graduate school: it has an insanely high opportunity cost if you care about anything outside your field.
As much as I may have disliked my previous job, at least it didn’t give me nausea when I thought about it. The idea of finishing the semester pains me (literally, sometimes); having to do this for another four years (at least!) is unfathomable. I would rather move back to my hometown–and I think everyone here knows how much I hate that place–and get a job there than spend another year here.
I think it’s time to start talking to people. I’ve had some long conversations with a girl in my cohort, but she’s the only one that knows the extent of it. I think most of the other student here I’m closest with know that I’m unhappy, but maybe not the extent. My sister knows. I’ve insinuated it with a few friends. This week, though, I need to talk with a professor about it and with my parents. I am not looking forward to it: they’ll try and talk me into staying, and I’ll think they are making reasonable points and it’ll just delay leaving longer. There’s very few things anyone can say to make things truly better. (And that should be sign I need to leave: that I’m willing to actually go through with these conversations.)
Luckily, since they’re paying me to be here, I don’t have loans to worry about. I have enough saved up (especially if I can hit the savings hard over the next two months) that I’m not tied down. Of course, I don’t want to touch the savings, but if I have to, I have to.
I don’t know. I have many many more thoughts which, given my wordiness and rambling, I’ll come back to. But this has been good: even just thinking about leaving makes me feel better. Hence, writing this.