An Asymmetric Game

We are at that point now.

I am officially done here. Grad School is done with, for good. I’m no longer there and I have no plans of going back.

I have no idea what is right in front of me. I wish I did. I truly do. I know not what the next month or week will bring, let alone the following years.

This blog was set up as an outlet for my grad school angst. (whole lotta good that did) And, therefore, this is no longer going to be updated.

There are maybe two people who I gave this address to that I have not kept in contact with. Therefore, I will say that if we ought to keep in touch but don’t already, give me an email–or leave me a message here, since I’ll receive it regardless. You can be assured that if I gave you this link, I’d like to talk with you again.

And this is how things end. Not with a bang, but with a whimper…

Damnit, Crystal, I hope you’re happy, especially since there’s a really good chance that you’re the only one who reads this anymore. Not that I want you thinking I’m doing this because of your really annoying two comments in the last month or so–you don’t have that sort of power over me. (Well, maybe a little. But don’t get a big head about it.)

I haven’t written since May because, well, the more things change the more they stay the same. I think I’ll refer to this summer as "The Lost Summer" in homage to The Lost Weekend. See, at the end of April, a friend and I realized just how much alike we were in our metaphysical outlook in general, and our thoughts about school in specific. He, a former graduate student, and me, who was more or less a former grad student except in name. I don’t want to make it sound all bad, because it wasn’t, but the long and short of it is that we enabled each other, and there were more than a few nights where we opened and closed the bar. A few nights–a week. And then, when the money ran out, we simply bought cases of High Life ("The Champagne of Beers") and drank at his place. Impressively, we were able to make a "beer can pyramid" not only out of cans, but out of the cardboard cases.

So that was the summer: sloth and gluttony were paramount. (I nice change from pride and envy, the two that usually keep me company.) Sure, I did do some cool things (like travel 3 hours to see a Tom Waits concert) and meet some cool people and got my first phone number at the bar (though, unfortunately, nothing came of it). And now school’s starting again, and I’m so far behind that I need to be a hermit for two months or so. See, I thought I was going to officially quit but I didn’t, though I did quit in my mind. So more than a couple "I"s dot my transcript and those need to turn to "A"s or "B"s or they kick me out.

And I’ve realized a few things from all this. One, I have to get it done, because if I leave school, I want it to be on my own goddamn terms and not theirs (oh, that good ol’ pride is coming back…) Two, that, actually, this is a pretty good deal, especially since the economy is going to shit and my funding is guaranteed if I stay in good standing. I knew this already, of course, but I’m dense and often need reminding. Grad school is shit, sure, but all is shit, and this shit is shit that more people wish they had. Indeed, it was heading back home to Idaho–and I think I’ve made my feelings about that place well known–that convinced me of this. Yeah, the Ivory Tower is made of shit (bullshit, to be exact) but it ain’t exactly roses out there and (this is my point, finally!) the frame of reference is important. Third, that this, really, is so much easier than I am making it. I don’t want to produce shit, but everyone else does, and that’s okay, apparently. My standards are too high.

Which is not to imply that I like grad school any more. I don’t, and I don’t think I ever will. But I’m approaching it differently, and it might just be enough to make it survivable. It’s still early, though, so I wouldn’t put money on it either way.

This morning, I turned on the water for my shower and went to step in. There was a spider caught in the stream flowing from the back of the tub. It tried to get out, but kept slipping closer and closer to the drain. I knew it had no hope, but I wonder if it thought it did. It got to the drain, but the grate kept it from the nether tubes and, for a second, it looked peaceful. It couldn’t get out, but the flow of the water seemed to pass over it, leaving it unmoved, like in the eye of a hurricane. It tried to go left, but the stream got it again and, now, sent it down the drain.

I watched all this, and it took but a minute. I thought that maybe I should kill it, becuase suffering is bad no matter what it is. But I didn’t for purely selfish reasons (it might bite me, or I’d have to get something wet that I didn’t want to get wet). So, I just watched and thought that it was, perhaps, an appropriate metaphor. 

It was nice writing something that doesn’t really mean anything. I’m not really looking for much beyond an answer–and, hey, if they know some people are waiting for it, maybe they’d move faster. Of course, I’m trying not to eat so much pizza (tonight was the first time in 5 weeks), but still. Also, after a crappy day like today, it feels good to tell someone else something positive.

Dear [Regional Pizza Chain],

Six months ago I moved out of [former state] in order to go back to school. It was stressful and I was leaving behind many things I enjoyed–friends, decent weather, and the city in general. During my time in [Former State], I had taken to your pizza and it became my delivery of choice. I was not sad about missing your pizza since I saw on your website that, COMING SOON!, there would be a [Chain]’s in my new town of [New City, New State]. Now, I don’t eat pizza as much as most college students but, every time I do, I check your website and hope that I somehow missed a grand opening announcement. Sadly, it seems I have not. So, I am curious: when will [Chain]’s pizza be available in [New Town]?

A former and hopefully soon-to-be returning customer,

XXX

Outside of getting my BA and, possibly, going to graduate school, the most important thing I’ve done in the last five years for my long-term benefit was the 60-day fitness Challenge at the gym

Over two months, I started eating right and exercised (usually) 5 or 6 times a week. I lost 23 pounds of fat and gained 4 pounds of muscle and felt physically better than at any point in my life.

These are impressive numbers, I think, but that’s not why it has changed my life. Doing the challenge convinced me that the person I want to be is within reach. This isn’t limited to just physicallity; my recent learning/understand of my finances–and the good changes I’ve made because of it–stems in part from the MBG. Things are not usually as difficult as they seem, and I/You/We can do it.

Found this idea through one of the personal finance blogs I read (The Simple Dollar) though it appears the original is from here. Looks interesting, so I am going to do it. You know, become the person you want to be and all that kinda crap. Follow that second link for a big list from other people. I stole some of my ideas from them. Two of my favorites (since I tend, you know, to identify more with those my own age and those in grad school): here and here. Here’s the "rules":

The Mission:
Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria:
Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).

Why 1001 Days?
Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple goals such as New Year’s resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organising and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.

My list is below. It’s very ambitious and I will be very surprised (and very, very happy!) if I can get all of it done in time. In the sidebar will be a link to the master list which will include updates of progress. I will refrain for trying to explain anything on this list at this time, except to point out two things: 1) lofiaudiophile.com is a website me and some friends are starting here soon but isn’t up yet; 2) #27 & #28 are the two hardest and two most important on the list.

THE LIST!!

Begin date: 19 January 2008

End date: 16 October 2010

Food/Health:
(1) Eat completely vegan for three straight months.
(2) Drink no soda for six months.
(3) Do not eat out for one month.
(4) Do 75 push-ups in a row.
(5) Decrease weight to 220 lbs. (Starting weight: 296)
(6) Decrease body fat percentage to 18%.
(7) Cook a vegan dinner for friends.
(8) Make 150 dishes I’ve never made before.
(9) Collect favorite recipes and make a cookbook.
(10) Grow my own herbs and spices for a summer.
(11) Learn to can/preserve.
(12) Enter a cooking contest/competition.
(13) Donate fat-man clothes.
(14) Run in at least a 10K race.
(15) Work out every day for a month.
(16) Eat nothing but raw foods during one month.
(17) Try a polyphasic sleep schedule for one month. (See here.)
(18) Become an early riser and get up at a set time everyday for two months.
(19) Whiten teeth.
(20) Walk everywhere for a month.
(21) Go completely vegetarian (min. 1 year) except for being a “social meat-eater.”
(22) Write testimonial for [gym mentioned above].
(23) Eat a habañero, whole, by itself.

School/Learning:
(24) Get an academic work published.
(25) Be able to read Arabic alphabet.
(26) Be able to read Cyrillic alphabet.
(27) Pass prelim exams.
(28) Defend dissertation proposal.
(29) Become an online tutor.
(30) Get on “excellent” list 4 semesters. [Professors/TAs given an "excellent" rating by their students.]
(31) Read all required and recommended material (sans non-required books) for two classes.
(32) Voluntarily work a 70 hour week each semester.
(33) Get highest Graduate Teaching Certification.
(34) Learn all world capitals & largest cities for each country.
(35) Get someone to pay me to go somewhere more than 500 miles away for something related to school.
(36) Donate $100 or more to my undergrad school.

Money:
(37) Increase networth to $XX,XXX by 1 Jan 2009.
(38) Increase networth by 75% in 2009.
(39) Increase networth by 50% in 2010.
(40) Buy into an index fund.
(41) Open high-yield savings account for emergency fund ($XXXX).
(42) Get a credit card.
(43) Open a Roth IRA (and transfer old retirement account).
(44) Spend no money for 14 days in a row.
(45) Save 50% of main paycheck for five months. (Doesn’t have to be consecutive.) Don’t dip into savings.
(46) Get renter’s insurance.

Music:
(47) Write 555 articles on music for lofiaudiophile.com
(48) Make 10 mixtapes, each for a different person, of songs that make me think of them.
(49) Make 20 single-artist mixtapes.
(50) Learn the bass guitar.
(51) 555 subscribers at lofiaudiophile.com
(52) Make more than $1 from lofiaudiophile.com
(53) Listen to 555 albums on The Guardian’s 1000 albums to hear before you die list.
(54) See Opeth perform live.
(55) Play "30 Seconds Over Tokyo" (RFTT version) live, preferably with a full band.
(56) Go to a dance club and Dance!
(57) Convince a stranger at a music store that they should buy a particular album.
(58) Write a song good enough I feel comfortably playing it for someone else.
(59) Submit song to [local/University’s record label competition].
(60) Make a “definitive” mixtape (i.e. “a history of punk”)
(61) Interview a band/band member/artist for lofiaudiophile.com
(62) Make a list of 250 songs that make me happy to be alive.
(63) Buy a harmonica and learn live the blues.

Reading:
(64) Read Moby Dick.
(65) Read 50 of Time Magazine’s 100 Best English-Language Novels from 1923 to the Present.
(66) Read 24 books for “fun” not covered by last .
(67) Memorize 10 poems.
(68) Join paperbackswap.com and swap at least 6 books.

Drinking:
(69) Try absinthe.
(70) Try and write about 100 different beers.
(71) Buy a shot/drink of the most expensive whiskey/bourbon/scotch at the Bar.
(72) Visit/Tour a whiskey distillery.

Sports/Games:
(73) Attend two professional sporting events.
(74) Visit Lambeau field.
(75) Purchase a Green Bay replica jersey.
(76) Go ice skating.
(77) Beat Final Fantasy X.2
(78) Beat Final Fantasy XII.
(79) Win a trivia contest at [local bar’s] “Drink n Think”
(80) Watch 20 matches during FIFA World Cup 2010.
(81) Find someone to play Chinese Chess with and learn how to play.
(82) Buy a Go board and learn how to play.

Travel:
(83) Go to NYC.
(84) Visit [sister] at college.
(85) Visit Krista in England, assuming she doesn’t move.
(86) Couchsurf for a week in (a)  place(s)  where I don’t know anybody.
(87) Go letterboxing and get at least 25 stamps, including at least one from out-of-state.

Inter-personal:
(88) Go two weeks without complaining once.
(89) Send out Christmas cards.
(90) Go 72 hours without using a computer, TV or music player. Void if on vacation.
(91) Go 48 hours without talking (including typing).
(92) Respond to an online personal ad (via a dating site).
(93) Write 10 companies with criticism (positive or negative) about their product/service.
(94) Write 10 companies about the excellent service I received from one of their employees.

Other:
(95) Leave no dirty dishes overnight for one month.
(96) Write five decent short stories and send at least one off for publication.
(97) Organize and digitize all my photos.
(98) Get a tattoo.
(99) Continue “Inspirational Deadwood Quote of the Week” every week for a year.
(100) Get hair long enough, cut it and donate to Locks of Love (or similar organization).

Meta:
(101) Put $5 in separate savings account for each thing accomplished on this list. Do something fun (not school or investing related) with the money. Donate $5 to some charity/organization for every incomplete item.
(102) Make new 101 for 1001 list when this one is over.

Through a series of convoluted occurrences, I found out that a kid I knew from high school was shot and killed a few months ago. I couldn’t find any details because the local paper charges for archive access over two weeks old.

I don’t know if I would consider us friends; what I do know is that I hadn’t thought about him since graduation—seven years now. But still, we did have some things in common (we both played the same high school sport), and I remember him being good people. It’s upsetting because the world needs all the good people she can get. It also, of course, brings in my own sense of morality, especially considering (from what I gather), the shooting was random.

So that’s that. I head out to the bar with some friends for, essentially, a pre-pre-leaving drink. I make my toast to his memory and move on.

I woke this morning, early, because of an argument going on outside my window. I missed, I presume, the beginnings; for the first line I could make sense of was claiming that, if the girl ever called the guy again from jail in the middle of the night, he was going to fucking kill her.

From my window, I watched it continue. The guy seemed, to me, to be the type of guy that achieves his catharsis through overstatements like the one above. I wasn’t sure, though, which is why I stood there. Things rarely begin full-boiled and my thinking, (wrongly perhaps), was that should things progress, some intervention could be made, even if it was just dialing the cops.

I couldn’t hear the girl’s side of it—she was in a car and he was outside it—but I don’t think it mattered; I’d be surprised if the guy really heard her. After about five minutes of this, she starts to drive out the parking lot but stops. The start in some more. This goes on; she must have said something that didn’t agree with him—it looked like he reached into the car and smacked her. At this point she did drive off, down the wrong way of the one-way street, while he walked after her and exasperatedly called her name.

He came back a few minutes later and called her. It sounded like he left her a message with liberal uses of “slut” and its variants to describe how he felt. After adding in a couple of racial epithets to describe his view of her apparent partner choices, he hung up and that was it.

The entire episode annoyed me. It shouldn’t have been any of my concern, but they made it mine—likewise with everyone in the building who slept with the window open. When someone is willing to make a death threat, even if it’s not ‘really’ meant, it obliges the witnesses, at least, to be on guard. I would have preferred to finish sleeping.

Barring the physical acts—I can’t imagine a probable situation where it’s morally acceptable to hit your woman—it was the last phone call that really annoyed me. “Slut,” as a term, bothers me more than most of the forbidden words. Philosophically, as a feminist, it’s bullshit …or just a gendered double-standard. Either way. Resorting to personal attacks, that is, attacks on character instead of attacks on actions is not usually a good thing, and to go so far as to record a diatribe about the slut-ness of your (now former) girlfriend? It has power only because of that gendered double-standard, because it’s meant only to hurt. There’s this exchange in Network where the Faye Dunaway character says to the William Holden character: “I’m sorry for all those things I said to you last night. You’re not the worst fuck I ever had. Believe me, I’ve had worse. You don’t puff or snorkel and make death-like rattles. As a matter of fact, you’re rather serene in the sack.” And Holden’s response is perfect—with a note of resigned unbelief in his voice, he asks, “Why is it that a woman always thinks that the most savage thing she can say to a man is to impugn his cocksmanship?” This is what I think of in cases like this.