An Asymmetric Game

We are at that point now.

I am officially done here. Grad School is done with, for good. I’m no longer there and I have no plans of going back.

I have no idea what is right in front of me. I wish I did. I truly do. I know not what the next month or week will bring, let alone the following years.

This blog was set up as an outlet for my grad school angst. (whole lotta good that did) And, therefore, this is no longer going to be updated.

There are maybe two people who I gave this address to that I have not kept in contact with. Therefore, I will say that if we ought to keep in touch but don’t already, give me an email–or leave me a message here, since I’ll receive it regardless. You can be assured that if I gave you this link, I’d like to talk with you again.

And this is how things end. Not with a bang, but with a whimper…

Damnit, Crystal, I hope you’re happy, especially since there’s a really good chance that you’re the only one who reads this anymore. Not that I want you thinking I’m doing this because of your really annoying two comments in the last month or so–you don’t have that sort of power over me. (Well, maybe a little. But don’t get a big head about it.)

I haven’t written since May because, well, the more things change the more they stay the same. I think I’ll refer to this summer as "The Lost Summer" in homage to The Lost Weekend. See, at the end of April, a friend and I realized just how much alike we were in our metaphysical outlook in general, and our thoughts about school in specific. He, a former graduate student, and me, who was more or less a former grad student except in name. I don’t want to make it sound all bad, because it wasn’t, but the long and short of it is that we enabled each other, and there were more than a few nights where we opened and closed the bar. A few nights–a week. And then, when the money ran out, we simply bought cases of High Life ("The Champagne of Beers") and drank at his place. Impressively, we were able to make a "beer can pyramid" not only out of cans, but out of the cardboard cases.

So that was the summer: sloth and gluttony were paramount. (I nice change from pride and envy, the two that usually keep me company.) Sure, I did do some cool things (like travel 3 hours to see a Tom Waits concert) and meet some cool people and got my first phone number at the bar (though, unfortunately, nothing came of it). And now school’s starting again, and I’m so far behind that I need to be a hermit for two months or so. See, I thought I was going to officially quit but I didn’t, though I did quit in my mind. So more than a couple "I"s dot my transcript and those need to turn to "A"s or "B"s or they kick me out.

And I’ve realized a few things from all this. One, I have to get it done, because if I leave school, I want it to be on my own goddamn terms and not theirs (oh, that good ol’ pride is coming back…) Two, that, actually, this is a pretty good deal, especially since the economy is going to shit and my funding is guaranteed if I stay in good standing. I knew this already, of course, but I’m dense and often need reminding. Grad school is shit, sure, but all is shit, and this shit is shit that more people wish they had. Indeed, it was heading back home to Idaho–and I think I’ve made my feelings about that place well known–that convinced me of this. Yeah, the Ivory Tower is made of shit (bullshit, to be exact) but it ain’t exactly roses out there and (this is my point, finally!) the frame of reference is important. Third, that this, really, is so much easier than I am making it. I don’t want to produce shit, but everyone else does, and that’s okay, apparently. My standards are too high.

Which is not to imply that I like grad school any more. I don’t, and I don’t think I ever will. But I’m approaching it differently, and it might just be enough to make it survivable. It’s still early, though, so I wouldn’t put money on it either way.

This morning, I turned on the water for my shower and went to step in. There was a spider caught in the stream flowing from the back of the tub. It tried to get out, but kept slipping closer and closer to the drain. I knew it had no hope, but I wonder if it thought it did. It got to the drain, but the grate kept it from the nether tubes and, for a second, it looked peaceful. It couldn’t get out, but the flow of the water seemed to pass over it, leaving it unmoved, like in the eye of a hurricane. It tried to go left, but the stream got it again and, now, sent it down the drain.

I watched all this, and it took but a minute. I thought that maybe I should kill it, becuase suffering is bad no matter what it is. But I didn’t for purely selfish reasons (it might bite me, or I’d have to get something wet that I didn’t want to get wet). So, I just watched and thought that it was, perhaps, an appropriate metaphor. 

I think I mentioned this last time: if I thought it would get better, I’d stick around.

As it is: I’ve pretty much decided to give it another semester. Doing so should, God willing, get me a Masters, which would make this not a complete waste of time. I do also think things might maybe kinda get better, so.

Ended up talking with the parents. At least it makes me happy that I know them as well as I do. The most insightful conversation I had was via email with the esteemable Mr. K who made some excellent points: not about school, per se (which is what everyone else was doing) but about deeper motivations, etc. It made a whole load of sense, which has made me feel better about things. I still hate graduate school and probably always will, but at least now I know why (in a deeper know-thyself sort of way).

Through all this I am close to coming to a second conclusion: I’m thinking of taking boxing lessons. Primarily, it would give me motivation to take off these extra stones. Secondarily, being in school is like getting mentally hit over and over–at least physically I can punch back.

Besides, who wouldn’t want to see me get my well-deserving ass kicked? 

While not writing for extended periods of time is relatively normal around these parts, I do have a fair number of things to put up: more recipes, thoughts on a couple books, etc. Just haven’t felt up to it, and that’s a problem. Sometimes it’s just easier to ignore everything.

I think almost constantly about leaving grad school; so much that I’m almost sure it’s the right move. If I had a good exit strategy (working on it!) and didn’t have to deal with people I care about there would be no question.

I have lots of reasons (which I’m sure will be enumerated in a later post) but they just support one idea: I am miserable here and I don’t see it getting better. It might, but I think the chance is small; the more likely outcome is that I’ll just get more and more bitter. Might as well get out before the costs get too high. I know I’m depressed–I have enough experience dealing with it to see the signs–and I know that school is the cause. I’m done with thinking that it’s just something I need to get over and that if I could only work a little harder, think a little deeper, and ignore distractions I’ll succeed. And while I might, it’s not worth it.

This is what nobody ever told me about graduate school: it has an insanely high opportunity cost if you care about anything outside your field.

As much as I may have disliked my previous job, at least it didn’t give me nausea when I thought about it. The idea of finishing the semester pains me (literally, sometimes); having to do this for another four years (at least!) is unfathomable. I would rather move back to my hometown–and I think everyone here knows how much I hate that place–and get a job there than spend another year here.

I think it’s time to start talking to people. I’ve had some long conversations with a girl in my cohort, but she’s the only one that knows the extent of it. I think most of the other student here I’m closest with know that I’m unhappy, but maybe not the extent. My sister knows. I’ve insinuated it with a few friends. This week, though, I need to talk with a professor about it and with my parents. I am not looking forward to it: they’ll try and talk me into staying, and I’ll think they are making reasonable points and it’ll just delay leaving longer. There’s very few things anyone can say to make things truly better. (And that should be sign I need to leave: that I’m willing to actually go through with these conversations.)

Luckily, since they’re paying me to be here, I don’t have loans to worry about. I have enough saved up (especially if I can hit the savings hard over the next two months) that I’m not tied down. Of course, I don’t want to touch the savings, but if I have to, I have to.

I don’t know. I have many many more thoughts which, given my wordiness and rambling, I’ll come back to. But this has been good: even just thinking about leaving makes me feel better. Hence, writing this.

Today was the first day of starting #18: "Become an early riser and get up at a set time every day for two months." I’ve decided that "set time" will be 5 a.m.

The methodology and inspiration for this goal is here. The basic jist is get up the same time every day and go to bed when you’re tired. It makes a certain intuitive sense.

So my alarm went off at 5:02 and I was up at 5:04. After showering I checked my email, rss reader, and made some breakfast (homemade granola). I was going to head into the office, so I checked the bus schedule not knowing when the earliest bus is…6:30am, it turns out, though it was 6:25 when I saw it. So I caught the next bus 25 minutes later. I would have just walked, but it’s really fucking cold outside.

Campus was beautiful this morning. For the first time ever, I did not see anyone between the bus stop to entering my office. Of course, it was 7:15am on a Holiday Monday, so I didn’t expect many. I was working by 7:45 and downloaded all my readings for this week. But–and this shouldn’t really surprise me–there’s a problem with the printer so I can’t print them (and therefore can’t read them, because I hate reading articles online). Because of the holiday, there’s nobody I can get to fix it either.

Nonetheless. I’m starting this task now even though I may lack the disciple to continue for 62 straight days. If it keeps, though, it should give me between a half and two hours extra time a day. This would help me achieve some of these other goals, plus help me out in my course work. Even if it doesn’t do that, though, I should have a better idea of how much sleep I ‘need’ instead of ‘want’ or ‘get’. It might be useful information to have.

Outside of getting my BA and, possibly, going to graduate school, the most important thing I’ve done in the last five years for my long-term benefit was the 60-day fitness Challenge at the gym

Over two months, I started eating right and exercised (usually) 5 or 6 times a week. I lost 23 pounds of fat and gained 4 pounds of muscle and felt physically better than at any point in my life.

These are impressive numbers, I think, but that’s not why it has changed my life. Doing the challenge convinced me that the person I want to be is within reach. This isn’t limited to just physicallity; my recent learning/understand of my finances–and the good changes I’ve made because of it–stems in part from the MBG. Things are not usually as difficult as they seem, and I/You/We can do it.

Found this idea through one of the personal finance blogs I read (The Simple Dollar) though it appears the original is from here. Looks interesting, so I am going to do it. You know, become the person you want to be and all that kinda crap. Follow that second link for a big list from other people. I stole some of my ideas from them. Two of my favorites (since I tend, you know, to identify more with those my own age and those in grad school): here and here. Here’s the "rules":

The Mission:
Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria:
Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).

Why 1001 Days?
Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple goals such as New Year’s resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organising and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.

My list is below. It’s very ambitious and I will be very surprised (and very, very happy!) if I can get all of it done in time. In the sidebar will be a link to the master list which will include updates of progress. I will refrain for trying to explain anything on this list at this time, except to point out two things: 1) lofiaudiophile.com is a website me and some friends are starting here soon but isn’t up yet; 2) #27 & #28 are the two hardest and two most important on the list.

THE LIST!!

Begin date: 19 January 2008

End date: 16 October 2010

Food/Health:
(1) Eat completely vegan for three straight months.
(2) Drink no soda for six months.
(3) Do not eat out for one month.
(4) Do 75 push-ups in a row.
(5) Decrease weight to 220 lbs. (Starting weight: 296)
(6) Decrease body fat percentage to 18%.
(7) Cook a vegan dinner for friends.
(8) Make 150 dishes I’ve never made before.
(9) Collect favorite recipes and make a cookbook.
(10) Grow my own herbs and spices for a summer.
(11) Learn to can/preserve.
(12) Enter a cooking contest/competition.
(13) Donate fat-man clothes.
(14) Run in at least a 10K race.
(15) Work out every day for a month.
(16) Eat nothing but raw foods during one month.
(17) Try a polyphasic sleep schedule for one month. (See here.)
(18) Become an early riser and get up at a set time everyday for two months.
(19) Whiten teeth.
(20) Walk everywhere for a month.
(21) Go completely vegetarian (min. 1 year) except for being a “social meat-eater.”
(22) Write testimonial for [gym mentioned above].
(23) Eat a habañero, whole, by itself.

School/Learning:
(24) Get an academic work published.
(25) Be able to read Arabic alphabet.
(26) Be able to read Cyrillic alphabet.
(27) Pass prelim exams.
(28) Defend dissertation proposal.
(29) Become an online tutor.
(30) Get on “excellent” list 4 semesters. [Professors/TAs given an "excellent" rating by their students.]
(31) Read all required and recommended material (sans non-required books) for two classes.
(32) Voluntarily work a 70 hour week each semester.
(33) Get highest Graduate Teaching Certification.
(34) Learn all world capitals & largest cities for each country.
(35) Get someone to pay me to go somewhere more than 500 miles away for something related to school.
(36) Donate $100 or more to my undergrad school.

Money:
(37) Increase networth to $XX,XXX by 1 Jan 2009.
(38) Increase networth by 75% in 2009.
(39) Increase networth by 50% in 2010.
(40) Buy into an index fund.
(41) Open high-yield savings account for emergency fund ($XXXX).
(42) Get a credit card.
(43) Open a Roth IRA (and transfer old retirement account).
(44) Spend no money for 14 days in a row.
(45) Save 50% of main paycheck for five months. (Doesn’t have to be consecutive.) Don’t dip into savings.
(46) Get renter’s insurance.

Music:
(47) Write 555 articles on music for lofiaudiophile.com
(48) Make 10 mixtapes, each for a different person, of songs that make me think of them.
(49) Make 20 single-artist mixtapes.
(50) Learn the bass guitar.
(51) 555 subscribers at lofiaudiophile.com
(52) Make more than $1 from lofiaudiophile.com
(53) Listen to 555 albums on The Guardian’s 1000 albums to hear before you die list.
(54) See Opeth perform live.
(55) Play "30 Seconds Over Tokyo" (RFTT version) live, preferably with a full band.
(56) Go to a dance club and Dance!
(57) Convince a stranger at a music store that they should buy a particular album.
(58) Write a song good enough I feel comfortably playing it for someone else.
(59) Submit song to [local/University’s record label competition].
(60) Make a “definitive” mixtape (i.e. “a history of punk”)
(61) Interview a band/band member/artist for lofiaudiophile.com
(62) Make a list of 250 songs that make me happy to be alive.
(63) Buy a harmonica and learn live the blues.

Reading:
(64) Read Moby Dick.
(65) Read 50 of Time Magazine’s 100 Best English-Language Novels from 1923 to the Present.
(66) Read 24 books for “fun” not covered by last .
(67) Memorize 10 poems.
(68) Join paperbackswap.com and swap at least 6 books.

Drinking:
(69) Try absinthe.
(70) Try and write about 100 different beers.
(71) Buy a shot/drink of the most expensive whiskey/bourbon/scotch at the Bar.
(72) Visit/Tour a whiskey distillery.

Sports/Games:
(73) Attend two professional sporting events.
(74) Visit Lambeau field.
(75) Purchase a Green Bay replica jersey.
(76) Go ice skating.
(77) Beat Final Fantasy X.2
(78) Beat Final Fantasy XII.
(79) Win a trivia contest at [local bar’s] “Drink n Think”
(80) Watch 20 matches during FIFA World Cup 2010.
(81) Find someone to play Chinese Chess with and learn how to play.
(82) Buy a Go board and learn how to play.

Travel:
(83) Go to NYC.
(84) Visit [sister] at college.
(85) Visit Krista in England, assuming she doesn’t move.
(86) Couchsurf for a week in (a)  place(s)  where I don’t know anybody.
(87) Go letterboxing and get at least 25 stamps, including at least one from out-of-state.

Inter-personal:
(88) Go two weeks without complaining once.
(89) Send out Christmas cards.
(90) Go 72 hours without using a computer, TV or music player. Void if on vacation.
(91) Go 48 hours without talking (including typing).
(92) Respond to an online personal ad (via a dating site).
(93) Write 10 companies with criticism (positive or negative) about their product/service.
(94) Write 10 companies about the excellent service I received from one of their employees.

Other:
(95) Leave no dirty dishes overnight for one month.
(96) Write five decent short stories and send at least one off for publication.
(97) Organize and digitize all my photos.
(98) Get a tattoo.
(99) Continue “Inspirational Deadwood Quote of the Week” every week for a year.
(100) Get hair long enough, cut it and donate to Locks of Love (or similar organization).

Meta:
(101) Put $5 in separate savings account for each thing accomplished on this list. Do something fun (not school or investing related) with the money. Donate $5 to some charity/organization for every incomplete item.
(102) Make new 101 for 1001 list when this one is over.

The worst part about being a TA is grading. It’s time consuming, it’s difficult, and you’re just going to piss people off.

Handed back tests last week and have already had two complaints and another tomorrow. I am most definitely not looking forward to it. It’s not that I’m wrong—I think I can justify the grade I gave. I’m going to give him the same answer that upset me when I was in his position. I’m going to have to give him an answer he isn’t going to want to hear.

See, I like to spread joy, not hate.

And it gets to a fundamental aspect of this job: I don’t love it. I don’t bleed it like some do. I don’t like reading, I don’t like writing, and I hate grading. But I like learning. And I love talking about it. This is exactly why I like TAing overall: it’s just one big conversation if you do it right. It should be fun, for both me and the student.

Being on the other side clears up a lot of reasoning I questioned when I was the one being graded. Funny how that happens.

I think I am going to try and continue this blog. The reasons for doing so are (in order), narcissism, catharsis, and a way of keeping in touch with people.

The major drawback, however, is the privacy issue. Now that I am (for better or worse) an academic, these things carry more weight – there has been a lot of discussion in the past about blogs having a negative impact on career prospects.

It’s quite conceivable that I’m just really really paranoid. Even so, the risks are somewhat manageable. I don’t use my real name and I won’t be talking about my school or city by name. Instead, let’s say the city I live in is Zukong Gimorlad-Siragosa, or ZGS, and my school is the University of Zukong Gimorlad-Siragosa, or UZGS.

According the Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson in The Illuminatus! Trilogy, Zukong Gimorlad-Siragosa is “the largest and most central city on the continent [of Atlantis] (but not the capital, because the Atlanteans do not have a government).” Why am I choosing this? No particular reason. I don’t even love this book—it was okay and I respect, a little, why Shea and RAW were trying to do, but I can’t say I really enjoyed it.

So yeah, there’s that. Doesn’t mean I will post any more regularly.

The calendar switches and everything changes. No longer are the events "next month" or "August" or anything other than "now."

I start grad school two weeks from today. It’s been a year since I decided I wanted to do this; ten months since taking the first step (the GRE); 8 months since I applied; six months since acceptance; and five months since I’ve known where I’m going. All that tedious waiting, and now I feel like there’s not enough time.

But I know exactly why that is. When the goal is far enough away, it’s acceptable to just dream about, focusing on the positives it will bring. As it gets closer and the obstacles become clear, though, action is required. Now, in the home stretch, I have to do everything that had to wait until now.

It’s not optimism–it’s arrogance–but shit tends to work out. They always do. Seventeen days from now I hope to be set. I’ll be done with the rental truck. I’ll be done with my first set of meetings. I’ll have a weekend of peace before the grind starts. The best thing about the move, I think, is that I can focus all my anxiety on it instead of school itself, so that I’ll be ready to hit it when it’s time.

Which is good. Classes start in three weeks.

I know where I’ll be next year–finally; the last grad school let me know, in an email of all things, that there were many qualified applicants and that I was not one of them.

It is as it was expected. They were the best program I applied to; and while I wouldn’t have applied if I didn’t want to go there, I’m not that broken up about it. Considering the amount of time–what…weeks? feels longer–between the acceptance and final rejection I considered the possible scenarios many times and came to the conclusion that if I were accepted to the last school, and if the money were equal, I would probably pick the first school.

I don’t know, though, if this planning was what one not emotionally involved would have done. I fear that this was a love the one you’re with situation where I, more or less, talking myself into loving the…well, the one I’m with. I don’t think it is actually like this: my reasoning was reasonable enough to the ones I told. Unfortunately, though, all that means is that I can think of good reasons to support a decision made even if the reasons aren’t the actual reasons.

But all that aside, I’m quite excited. Sometimes I think the last three years have been mostly wasted just dicking around and that the Rest of My Life can now start. Start in five months, that is.

No, I think–all things considered–that all this will work out. I know I can be happy most everywhere not in Idaho so I’m not worried about the actual place except the ungodly summers. The program itself, as it looks to me right now, appears to come out ahead when weighing the pros and cons even if it doesn’t have the highs some others have.

Still, I would have liked to get in the other places, particularly this last one, if only for ego reasons.