As it is: I’ve pretty much decided to give it another semester. Doing so should, God willing, get me a Masters, which would make this not a complete waste of time. I do also think things might maybe kinda get better, so.

Ended up talking with the parents. At least it makes me happy that I know them as well as I do. The most insightful conversation I had was via email with the esteemable Mr. K who made some excellent points: not about school, per se (which is what everyone else was doing) but about deeper motivations, etc. It made a whole load of sense, which has made me feel better about things. I still hate graduate school and probably always will, but at least now I know why (in a deeper know-thyself sort of way).

Through all this I am close to coming to a second conclusion: I’m thinking of taking boxing lessons. Primarily, it would give me motivation to take off these extra stones. Secondarily, being in school is like getting mentally hit over and over–at least physically I can punch back.

Besides, who wouldn’t want to see me get my well-deserving ass kicked? 

I think almost constantly about leaving grad school; so much that I’m almost sure it’s the right move. If I had a good exit strategy (working on it!) and didn’t have to deal with people I care about there would be no question.

I have lots of reasons (which I’m sure will be enumerated in a later post) but they just support one idea: I am miserable here and I don’t see it getting better. It might, but I think the chance is small; the more likely outcome is that I’ll just get more and more bitter. Might as well get out before the costs get too high. I know I’m depressed–I have enough experience dealing with it to see the signs–and I know that school is the cause. I’m done with thinking that it’s just something I need to get over and that if I could only work a little harder, think a little deeper, and ignore distractions I’ll succeed. And while I might, it’s not worth it.

This is what nobody ever told me about graduate school: it has an insanely high opportunity cost if you care about anything outside your field.

As much as I may have disliked my previous job, at least it didn’t give me nausea when I thought about it. The idea of finishing the semester pains me (literally, sometimes); having to do this for another four years (at least!) is unfathomable. I would rather move back to my hometown–and I think everyone here knows how much I hate that place–and get a job there than spend another year here.

I think it’s time to start talking to people. I’ve had some long conversations with a girl in my cohort, but she’s the only one that knows the extent of it. I think most of the other student here I’m closest with know that I’m unhappy, but maybe not the extent. My sister knows. I’ve insinuated it with a few friends. This week, though, I need to talk with a professor about it and with my parents. I am not looking forward to it: they’ll try and talk me into staying, and I’ll think they are making reasonable points and it’ll just delay leaving longer. There’s very few things anyone can say to make things truly better. (And that should be sign I need to leave: that I’m willing to actually go through with these conversations.)

Luckily, since they’re paying me to be here, I don’t have loans to worry about. I have enough saved up (especially if I can hit the savings hard over the next two months) that I’m not tied down. Of course, I don’t want to touch the savings, but if I have to, I have to.

I don’t know. I have many many more thoughts which, given my wordiness and rambling, I’ll come back to. But this has been good: even just thinking about leaving makes me feel better. Hence, writing this.

Made this as the dip for my seitan cutlet/mustard sauce sandwich. I didn’t have any five-spice powder, so I used a ‘fiery’ chili powder instead. I also upped the spice, cause that’s how I am.

In saucepan, combine 2 1/2 cup broth from seitan cutlets (water/soy sauce mixture), 4 cloves crushed garlic, sliced 1-inch piece of ginger (I used more), 1/2 tsp five-spice powder, and 1 tsp red pepper flakes. Boil for five minutes, then simmer for 10. Turn off heat, and stir in 1 1/2 tsp sugar and 2 tbsp lime juice.

Good broth, but too labor intensive for me to make a lot. I might make another batch and freeze it for quick use, but probably not because I’m lazy.

(Complete List) 

Among the common condiments, mustard truly is the best. The intro to this recipe claims it’s for mustard lovers only, so I had to make it.

Mix 2 tbsp cornstarch (I used arrowroot) and 1/4 cup vegetable broth and set aside. Over medium heat, saute 3 garlic clovers and 1/2 tsp thyme for about a minute. Add 1/2 cooking wine (white or sherry) and 1 tbsp soy sauce and up the heat. When it’s boiling, lower heat and simmer for a few minutes. Add 1/4 cup dijon mustard, 1 tbsp lemon juice, 2 tbsp capers with brine, and cornstarch mixture. Stir often. When it’s bubbling, lower heat and simmer for a few more minutes. Should be pretty thick.

I used this with the seitan cutlets in a french dip-style dinner. I really like this sauce–the capers and wine give it a great kick. I made it again as a dipping sauce for artichokes. I didn’t have lemon juice, so I substituted some Gordon’s Vodka–couldn’t tell the difference. Sauce was good, but overpowered the artichoke.

(Complete List) 

I should have known better: I’ve made enough seitan that I have a handle on the right texture. For some reason, the recipe says to knead the dough for 3 minutes. So I did. Mistake. Seitan shouldn’t be kneaded more than necessary. The extra kneading made it impossible to stretch it thin enough. Still tasted good, but had a pretty tough texture. I need to try it again, but have yet to be that adventurous.

Pretty basic seitan. Not really aynthing special.

(Complete List) 

I’m not going to type out the ingredients, because you should go buy the book. This bread is really good and I’ve made it twice now. It’s pretty dense, but has a nice flavor from the currants and soy milk (I use vanilla-flavored). Nothing too difficult here, though it does take a while to make it since you have to pre-cook the millet.

Bread also lasts longer than most breads. It’s good enough that it’s usually gone in two days anyway.

(Complete list)

So I found this recipe. Truth be told, I’ve never had “real” grits—where I’m at now is the furthest south I’ve ever lived, and I’m sure we’re still considered Yankees here. So, I didn’t know what I was going for, texture-wise. And this may have been the problem, as I’m pretty sure I drastically overcooked the grains. It really wasn’t good, but I ate it all with some help from salt and hot sauce.

I’ve tried cooking amaranth again, this time with some millet. I made it for breakfast: a hot cereal type thing. I added some butter and brown sugar—just like we did when we were kids—and it was pretty yummy. So there’s that. (1/3 cup each millet and amaranth; dry toast for a minute or two, add 1 1/3 cup water, lower heat and cover for 15-20 minutes.)

The above is a misleading title. I feel no need to present an argument as to why one ought to be a vegetarian; it should be mostly obvious and, if not, there are other (better) sources. Simply, it boils down to two reasons: first, it’s far more healthier than the current western diet. While some people will argue this, I think a little research bears it out (just be careful to note who funds the research!). The book that was recommended to me, and the one I am now recommending, is The China Study by T. Colin Campbell. His claim boils down to this: a plant-based, whole-food diet is the best way to eat.

Second, animal cruelty is rampant in our food system to greater or lesser degrees. Yesterday, for instance, there was a massive recall of beef: it may or may not be tainted, but what’s clear is that abuses were occurring. Of course, one could make the claim that it’s morally acceptable to abuse (including torment and torture) and then kill an animal. I will not spend much time on these arguments, partly because I think it depends a lot on what assumptions we use, and to argue assumptions takes far too long. However, in discussing this with a variety of people, it seems that most reasons carnivores use to justify the abuse/killing are based on differentiating animals and humans. But when pressed for specific characteristics, the traits offered seem to allow for the moral eating of the handicapped and children. And that, I think we can all agree, is not right.

I’m not saying that I fully believe either one of these reasons; I think both have a great deal of validity but also their problems. In the first, for instance, one could point out (say) that alcohol is also unhealthy (if not moreso) and, if I was being consistent in my beliefs, I would also have to give it up. This is a fair point; my counterclaim is, one, too point out that alcohol consumption, more or less, concerns only the one consuming (that is, no being had to die for it) and, two, that there are secondary benefits (e.g. feeling “happy”) that also need to be factored in that eating meat or drinking milk cannot offer.

My point is simple and twofold: First, I find that, for a variety of reasons, vegetarianism works for me and that while I think others should (at least) give it a shot, I understand that there are some good reasons not too. Second, that the arguments presented above are not conclusive, but that when presented together, they provide a compelling argument.

This is prompted, in part, by a brochure a gentleman was handing out on campus. I had read it before—you can get it online [pdf]. It’s produced by Vegan Outreach and titled “Why Vegetarian?” with a subtitle of “Boycott Cruelty!” As mentioned or implied above, I think this is a bad way to go: partly because I don’t think it’s the strongest argument, and partly because telling people that their immoral is generally not the best way to convince them you’re right.

II. How to increase vegetarianism

Do we want people to be vegetarian? I sure do, and there are a few reasons for it. The evidence supports vegetarianism as a healthy lifestyle: presumably, if more people become vegetarian, we would see a decline in heart-disease, certain types of cancer, maybe even some diabetes, among other medical problems. This would decrease the burden of public health assistance—a good thing in and of itself, but could also increase support for a national (dare I say, socialized?!) medical plan…which, to my mind, would be a very good thing. There are other arguments that, again, I don’t feel the need to develop fully, like, that if everyone ate vegetarian, then there’s be more food and (hopefully) therefore fewer hungry people in the world.

Additionally, from a purely selfish standpoint: being vegetarian/vegan is difficult, especially when eating out or eating for convenience. It’s not difficult cooking that way, so it makes sense that if the market demanded it, there would be more convenient and good-tasting vegetarian/vegan options. This would make my life easier.

So, let’s assume that we think it’s a good thing for people to be vegetarian. Then, how do we go about convincing people? Here are my four suggestions, in order from most important to least important:

First, people need to know that vegan/vegetarian food tastes good. This should be the duty of vegans/vegetarians out there. I love the vegan food, so I think it’s definitely possible. How many people hate tofu? How many of those people have had tofu cooked well? How many of those people realize that tofu really doesn’t have a taste? These are misconceptions easily fixed.

Second, we need more convenient vegan food. If someone, right now, wants to become vegan, then the best suggestion I can give is to learn to cook. This, in and of itself, will put many people off. I can go to the local sandwich place and have my choice of 25 meaty sandwiches or 2 vegetarian. I cannot get one vegan. Of course, I think most people should learn to cook anyway. Barring this, though, there needs to be more vegan options. And—this is very, very important—they need to be affordable. Food marketed as vegan (in particular) is very overpriced. I’ve made no secret of my love for seitan, so take this example: it costs me a bit over $1 to make 2 pounds. If I bought it, not only would it not taste as good, but it’s about $6/pound.

The first two reasons are intended to get people considering the possibility of being vegetarian. The third reason is to help on the path. There are a few mindset changes that, at very least, would facilitate the transition. The biggest one, in my mind, is changing what we think of as “a meal.” It seems that many people believe that “a meal” is defined as “meat plus sides.” Why this would need changing is obvious. The more insidious aspect, though, is that it may lead new vegetarians to defining “a meal” as “meat-substitute plus sides.” I was one of these people, sure. And while this new definition is better than the former the big danger is that “meat-substitute plus sides” is limiting and feeds into the idea that being a vegan/vegetarian means eating the same thing over and over. This is most definitely not true! My range as a cook has dramatically—and perhaps paradoxically—increased as I removed meat and almost all dairy.

As a corollary to number three, possible vegetarians would need to stop comparing meat-products to their vegan/vegetarian counterparts. Tofurky Italian sausage doesn’t taste like meaty Italian suasage. The latter is good, the former isn’t. Or: this week I made a vegan mac n cheese (which I will be posting about soon). It tasted nothing like mac n cheese—especially Kraft’s, which is one of the few truly horribly unhealthy things I still love and sometimes crave—but it was good nonetheless. I think this is true for most people regardless of their eating orientation: we need to approach our food on it’s own terms, without our expectations controlling the experience.

Finally, on a social scale, we need to talk about these things. Far too many vegans/vegetarians are evangelists about their choice. Far too many carnivores won’t even listen. Our national guidelines are too infected with bullshit for companies and politicians with a stake in the meat and/or dairy industry. In short, we need good data and for people to objectively look at the data.

III. Vegan vs. Vegetarian vs. Social Vegetarian

Above, I’ve used “vegan” and “vegetarian” mostly interchangeably. Obviously, there is a difference. Vegetarians don’t eat meat. (Some “vegetarians” eat fish, but I don’t consider them vegetarians. Eggs are complicated.) Vegans don’t eat animal products or, generally, use products made from or tested on animals. My jacket, shoes, and belt are leather—I’m not going to stop wearing them until they wear out, but (if other factors allow) when I replace them they will not be animal. However, I’m only going to discuss the eating aspect, since that’s what I’ve been doing until now.

Assuming one is vegetarian, should one become vegan? Vegan Freak—a pretty decent and very quick read—argues yes. The reason is simple: most of the reasons why most vegetarians are vegetarians also apply to being vegan. Vegetarian because of the animal cruelty? Well, there’s still a bunch of animal cruelty in milking cows and collecting eggs. Vegetarian because of the health benefits? Well, milk and eggs are still animal protein and have much the same problems.

I find this argument somewhat compelling but ultimately I reject it for two reasons. First, there’s a moral difference between killing an animal and using an animal. I’m not sure how much practical difference it makes, but it’s something that needs to be considered. Second, if I’m vegetarian because I don’t like the taste of meat, but I like the taste of cheese, it obviously doesn’t follow that my reason is valid for both.

Ultimately, though, I’m not arguing against being vegan. I think it’s a worthy goal as long as the evangelism isn’t to high. I’m just saying it doesn’t necessarily follow from being vegetarian.

“Social vegetarian” isn’t my idea—I’m stealing it from a friend. Ultimately, this is what I am (though it’s more like “social vegan”). The reason for this is also simple: I don’t want to be a person who requires a host to make a separate dish, I want to be able to go to dinner with friends, etc. In Vegan Freak, the authors argue that “meek vegans suffer”–that you need to tell people you’re vegan or else you’ll always be put in a bad situation. I completely agree; at the same time, though, I care more about not putting people out than my own moral baggage. This probably says much about how dedicated I am to being a vegan—but so be it. (Hell, I did just write over 2000 words on why we should and how to get more people involved…)

I would argue that, until everyone becomes vegan or vegetarian, that this is a good way to be. At home, I cook about 95% vegan—the only non-vegan things I use are butter and ghee. (I have an absurdly large container of butter, but once it’s gone, I’m switching.) When I eat out alone, I pick places that have vegetarian fare I like. When I eat out with others, I try to get vegetarian, but if I can’t, who cares. (I also try to suggest places with good vegetarian food.) If  I go over to someone else’s place, I eat what they make, because that’s what you should do. I’ve only been strictly following this plan for a month now and have eaten meat once—chili, at the superbowl party I attended.

There is one big drawback to this. The best way to get others to consider being vegetarian, as implied in section 2 above, is to make it known that you are vegetarian. If you never say anything, then others won’t know. I am sensitive to this argument. I’ve made no secret of my choices—most of my friends know that I’d prefer not to eat meat or dairy, but that if I didn’t have a choice, I would. Your own mileage may vary.

IV. Conclusion

So, I’ve sketched out a few ideas here, basically arguing that we should all consider being vegetarians, if not vegan, but that it shouldn’t necessarily override social obligations or harmony. These arguments should be fleshed out and given more support, I realize.

For the time being, though, I wonder if any of you readers have thoughts on this—even if just to point out areas where I completely missed the boat. Comments, as always, are welcome.

Dear Lord, this is good. So good I’ve now made it twice and doubled the recipe the second time. Yes, I ate it for four days straight. It looks far more complicated than it is, and is totally worth trying at least once.

Soak 1/2 cup mung beans for at least 8 hours or overnight. The fist time through I soaked only four hours and they were still a bit crunchy but good. Second time, I soaked for 36 hours and they were very very tender, almost like they didn’t exist in the finished product. So, 8-12 hours sounds good to me. After they have been soaked, drain, rinse, and set aside.

In a large pot (at least 3-qt, though it’d be easier if bigger) put:

2 tbsp ghee (or a light vegetable oil)
1 cup millet
2 bay leaves

Cook for about 2 minutes on high heat, reduce to medium, and fry the millet for another 5 minutes. The first time I did it, I followed the time directions, but after the pot was already hot. The directions say the millet should be golden brown, mine were darker. After doing it both ways, I think I prefer the darker color. Take the millet off the stove and put it in a bowl, aside.

Same pan, add 4 tbsp ghee (or the oil), and up the heat to medium-high. When the ghee is hot, add:

1 1/2 tsp mustard seeds
1 1/2 tsp cumin seeds

Cover with a lid because these will pop. When the splattering subsides, add:

2 chopped medium onions
4 hot green chiles (I used serrano)
1 tbsp finely chopped fresh ginger

Cook this for ~6 minutes until the onions are browned. Then add:

1 tsp ground cumin
2 tsp ground coriander
1/4 tsp tumeric

Mix well, fry for another minute or so. Add the millet, mung beans, 1 1/2 tsp salt and the juice of one lemon. Mix well. Add 1 1/2 cup water and bring to a boil. Cover and simmer for ~30 minutes, until the beans and millet are cooked but still firm.

Transfer to serving dish, sprinkle with garam masala and cilantro. Garnish with cucumber and tomato, if you wish.

So doesn’t that just look good? The first time, I didn’t have ginger so I used garlic. Don’t think it made much difference. Also, the lemon was particularly juicy and the chiles were exceptionally hot—and the mix of the two was a delight. Next time I make this, I’m going to use two lemons and six chiles (or get something hotter, or leave the seeds in) instead of the 1 and 4, respectively.

So there you have it. This is the best thing I’ve made so far.

Dear [Regional Pizza Chain],

Six months ago I moved out of [former state] in order to go back to school. It was stressful and I was leaving behind many things I enjoyed–friends, decent weather, and the city in general. During my time in [Former State], I had taken to your pizza and it became my delivery of choice. I was not sad about missing your pizza since I saw on your website that, COMING SOON!, there would be a [Chain]’s in my new town of [New City, New State]. Now, I don’t eat pizza as much as most college students but, every time I do, I check your website and hope that I somehow missed a grand opening announcement. Sadly, it seems I have not. So, I am curious: when will [Chain]’s pizza be available in [New Town]?

A former and hopefully soon-to-be returning customer,

XXX